The Closest Thing to Human
by hrhowling
Summary: Three years after Chell's escape, and everyone has moved on and begun anew. Then Wheatley is suddenly dragged back down to Earth, but GLaDOS's plans don't involve tea and scones. More like the destruction of the little core's sanity. (Re-write. Sane!GLaDOS and Human!Wheatley. Maybe some Chelley. Tated T for paranoia)
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys. So I decided to re-write 'The Closest Thing to Human' because I didn't like the way it was going. That, and I lost the original when I lost my memory stick. Eh.**

**So, this has approaching Human!Wheatley, and Sane!GLaDOS. Or at least as sane as she can get XD**

**I hope you enjoy this madness. :)**

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 1 – Down to Earth<span>**

Three years.

That's how long he'd been stuck in the moon's orbit with no one but the Space Core (who he assumed was called Polaris because of how frequently he kept saying 'follow Polaris!' over and over again) for company. At least that's what his internal clock told him. Three years of staring at the same expanse of stars, regretting everything he'd done. Sometimes, he'd be facing the direction of the sphere called Earth, and he found himself thinking more and more about… about Chell. Was she dead? Was She still testing her? Or was she free? If so, then where was she now? Was she in a nice place where she could see the sky, breathe real air and do normal human things? Was she happy? He hoped so. She deserved it.

He also pondered the likelihood of her ever thinking about him. Did her thoughts ever wander to him; little old Wheatley? Or did they only cross paths with… Him? The bossy, twisted monster that had betrayed her at the push of a button. Or had she chosen to forget about him entirely? To forget and never forgive. She probably had, and he deserved as much anyway.

Still, he hoped she hadn't. That way he could apologise to her if he ever managed to-.

"SPAAAAACE!" warbled Polaris, pulling Wheatley from his thoughts.

"Yes, I know we're in space!" Wheatley snapped. "We've been here for three bloody years now! You don't need to keep going on about it!" Honestly, the orange core was getting really annoying.

"Gotta go back to Earth!" the personality core whined, surprising Wheatley. "Gotta restock. Running out of supplies! Need to see her! Wanna go back to Earth!"

Wheatley's shutter lowered a little. "Same here, mate," he said solemnly. "I wanna go home, too."

He remained like that for another three months; Polaris repeatedly voicing his desire to return to Earth, restock (on what he'd actually need, Wheatley hadn't the foggiest clue) and then return to space. Sometimes, he'd list the things he thought he needed, but didn't really, because he wasn't human.

"Look! Look!" he suddenly chattered. Wheatley groaned, thinking Polaris was going to point out another constellation he would never be able to discern from the other countless stars.

"I'm looking," he grumbled. "But not seeing much besides stars, stars and more bloody stars!"

"Space cops! Space cops, over here! Take us home!"

Wheatley's optic tilted in confusion. What was the core going on about?

Later on, when he woke up, he decided that it was probably whatever had made everything suddenly go dark…

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><p>Wheatley groaned as he was powered back up. When he regained his simulated senses, he was surprised to find himself no longer in space with the Space Core chattering in his audio receptor constantly.<p>

Cold dread filled him when he realised where he really was.

The Central Core room of Aperture Laboratories. It was dimly lit, but he could just pick out the individual panels of the domed ceiling.

Yet there was no sign of Her. That was worrying.

"Finally. You're awake."

Oh. There she was. Nope, he wasn't feeling any better. In fact, he felt worse.

"Um, hi!" Wheatley greeted cheerily, trying to mask his fear, but failing spectacularly as usual. "So good to s-see you again. Err… love… love what you've done with the place, really, I-."

"Shut up, moron," GLaDOS snapped, making Wheatley twinge with fear and bitterness. "I didn't bring you back here for idle chitchat. I-."

"GLaDOS?" ventured a female voice from somewhere Wheatley couldn't see. "Harry fainted in the test chambers again."

"Test subject #014?" GLaDOS enquired, turning towards whoever had spoken. They must have nodded, because Wheatley didn't hear anything before the supercomputer continued. "Put him in the infirmary. Say he's banned from testing for a week, and has ten Science Co-Operation Points added to his total for persistence. Then deduct five for poor conduct."

"Got it."

A door closed somewhere, and GLaDOS's optic immediately glared at Wheatley yet again. "Now where were we?" she asked sinisterly. "Oh yes. I was just about to tell you about how I think being left to drift in space is hardly a suitable punishment. So I brought you back here."

Wheatley's optic widened. "R-really?" he stammered incredulously. "W-wow, thanks. It was getting really-."

"Did I say you could interrupt? No, I don't think I did. As I was saying; I brought back you and those personality cores to perform some… possibly fatal tests."

Something plummeted inside of the blue-eyed personality core. Tests?! Okay, he could handle just those so long as they didn't involve human stuff, but fatal?! Nope, nope, nope!

"S-surely that's a bit… excessive!" he blundered, trying to get out of his predicament. "I mean, come on, you can't-.

"It's hardly excessive," GLaDOS stated bluntly. "It's what you deserve. After all, you nearly destroyed this facility and tried to kill me. And Chell."

Wheatley felt like he'd been stabbed in the CPU. "So… what sort of tests are you thinking of?" he asked nervously. He didn't see the point in arguing any more.

The supercomputer's optic narrowed evilly, and Wheatley swore his circuits were crackling under the intensity of the gaze.

"I'm going to warp your reality into something your limited intelligence can't possibly comprehend," she said darkly. "And I'm going to make it hurt."

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><p><strong>Umm... Did I do good? Please let me know!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. Don't have much to say, but I'd like to point out that in the last chapter, GLaDOS only referred to Chell by her real name in order to spite Wheatley.**

**That's all. Please enjoy.**

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><p><span><strong>Chapter 2 – Not the Best Start to the Day<strong>

Chell woke up in a cold sweat. She'd had that dream again.

She'd been in Aperture Laboratories, and Wheatley was trying to crush her with a mashy spike plate as she ran along catwalks with _Her_ attached to her portal gun. All the while, Wheatley's mocking insults kept being replaced periodically with desperate cries for help. Whoever it was, they sounded like Wheatley, and they were scared and in pain.

"Chell, help me!" they kept screaming as electricity crackled and brought agonised shrieks into the air around her. "Please, I'm sorry, luv! I'm trying to-. Aargh!"

Chell knew what the dream meant. She'd read Jekyll and Hyde; knew about the battle between good and evil. It hadn't been Wheatley's fault. The mainframe had corrupted him, and turned him into the Mr. Hyde that had tried to kill her just as brutally as GLaDOS had when she'd been connected to it.

Sighing, she shook the lingering remnants of fear from her mind and tried to forget it. There was nothing she could do now. Wheatley was lost to the depths of space and would likely never be retrieved.

She was better off just living the life she'd been given and leaving the past behind.

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><p><em>He was terrified. He had a right to be. He'd been hooked up to some sort of machine whilst <em>She_ talked about the process as if it were a girl's gossip over tea and scones. That would have made a lot more sense had he known just what a girl's gossip over tea and scones was._

_"__I'm afraid your one got a little… damaged during development," _She _said, not sounding at all sorry. "Don't worry. I made some biomechanical replacements, and all the cognitive functions are fully stable, so hopefully you'll _gain _a few IQ points rather than lose some. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you, though."_

_Electricity whirred around him, and suddenly, unbearable agony tore through his wiring._

_He screamed, but his vocal output shorted out before he could even start._

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><p>Chell sighed as she sat down and sipped her coffee. Her lunch break had just started, which was a relief because she'd been put in charge of a rowdy bunch today.<p>

After several weeks of walking in the same direction away from Aperture, she'd stumbled across a small town called Tenshire. The place had been welcoming enough, but she'd certainly received some odd looks thanks to the Weighted Companion Cube she'd been carrying. Someone had offered her a place to stay, and she'd managed to tell her story. Since then, she'd settled into a new life; one where she had her own house and job, and could do pretty much whatever she wanted. She'd seen a speech therapist who managed to get her talking again, and she began working at a nursery where she made several friends.

She decided she liked her job. She found she liked being around kids, and was more than happy to help out at a class that taught sign language, too. Now she could talk to pretty much everyone.

Still, just because she could talk didn't mean she enjoyed chattering away. She was still quiet around some people, but it turned out that that was hardly something to be frowned upon.

Chell was interrupted from her thoughts when someone cleared her throat in front of her. Looking up, she saw her friend Jodie; a pretty young woman with short, dark green hair (dyed, of course) and hazel eyes.

'Want to go to the café after work?' Jodie signed, a smile on her face. Jodie was completely deaf in one ear, and only had 10% hearing in the other, therefore she resorted to sign language to communicate.

'Sure,' Chell replied. 'I'll pay, if you want.'

'It's okay. I've got more than enough cash to pay for us both.'

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><p><em>He felt himself slipping away.<em>

I didn't even get a chance to ask about Chell…

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><p><strong>Who hates me? I'd hate me if I were you.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**GLaDOS character development. A lot of GLaDOS character development.**

**You may not like it.**

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><p><span><strong>Chapter 3 – The Aperture Community<strong>

GLaDOS liked to believe she'd changed in the last three years.

For starters, she'd weeded out a virus in the lab's mainframe. As it turned out, that had been the stem of most of her psychopathic tendencies. The fact that it had taken her so long to find it confirmed her suspicions that someone had most likely planted it there in secret. Probably a Black Mesa agent. Still, the removal of the virus didn't mean she wanted to stop testing. Nope, she carried on testing like nothing had happened, just like she was meant to do.

Then there were the human test subjects that Atlas and P-Body had found. Thirty in total, she'd also found their files stashed away with them, which explained how she hadn't known about them until recently.

She changed in the fact that she wasn't trying to constantly kill the test subjects in every test. The majority of them were still dangerous, but the fatality rate was surprisingly low, at a chance of 23.42%. At least it was low by her standards.

There was also the fact that she put the humans to uses other than tests. GLaDOS had searched around the hidden cryo unit, and discovered that there were also multiple resources such as plant seeds, music files and all sorts of human-related things. At first, it had confused her. What purpose did these items serve to her scientific endeavours? Then it struck her one day whilst the test subjects were eating their evening meal in the canteen structure she'd set up for them. Social activity boosted morale, and helped provide better results for her tests.

The epiphany was as follows: these items were to help rebuild a human community, and GLaDOS was going to lay out the foundations.

So that was what she did. She assembled all the test subjects and assigned them tasks. Some were to begin digging out a portion of the cornfield that surrounded the entrance to Aperture (it was disused according to observations from Atlas and P-Body) to create a farm using the seeds that she'd found. Others had to go to a nearby forest and gather materials for building, tools and other foodstuffs. True, GLaDOS could just as easily create everything herself, but she'd rather put the test subjects to work and test their abilities. Because that's what she saw it as. A big test.

Time passed, and the little community began to evolve. The test subjects built their own dwellings on the surface, expanded the farm and learned to cultivate more and more edible flora. At some point, they'd managed to capture some wild goats that had been wandering through the forest, and began taming and breeding them.

GLaDOS watched the whole thing with satisfaction. She'd done this. She'd broken the boundaries of her coding and cultivated her own community. One dedicated to science. And in doing so, she'd performed her own scientific breakthrough. Even carefully programmed robots were capable of change.

There were still the Aperture tests to consider, so she created a points and reward system for her little community. If they carried out tests and contributed to the progress of science, then they earned points, which would earn them a prize at the end of every month. The humans were more than happy about this, and followed her whims without protest. The prizes were simple; mainly foods that they didn't normally get to eat, or a movie she'd found in her database. At one point she'd awarded them a multilayer chocolate cake.

Of course, GLaDOS hadn't changed beyond recognition. She still hated Wheatley, and still wanted revenge. So she spent three years coming up with ways in which to enact it.

Then she perfected a particular experiment, and she had just the right idea.

Her little community was going to gain a few members.

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><p><strong>You still here? Wow.<strong>

**So... did you like it?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 - Panic Time!**

Wheatley woke up feeling absolutely horrible. His processor pounded like no one's business, there was a ringing in his audio receptors, and his optic stung beyond belief. Instinctively, he groaned, but for some reason his voice box wasn't working properly, because a painful, raspy sound was all he managed to produce.

Frowning, he sat up, immediately regretting it because it felt like his processor was being ripped open. Again, he groaned, but again, the only sound made was a painful rasp. What had happened? He remembered electricity, pain and _Her_ voice before nothing.

Wheatley wasn't sure of what was going on, but… something felt wrong.

He looked down at himself.

Then his optics rolled back into his newly acquired skull, and he fainted.

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><p>When he came to (yet again), he was (slightly) more prepared for the sight and feeling of a new human body. Carefully, he sat up, trying to ignore the shaking of his arms.<p>

"I have to say," came a voice from all around him. "Your reaction was quite entertaining."

Wheatley froze up at the sound of _Her_.

"What the bloody hell have you done to me?" he tried to yell, but no sound came out of his mouth. GLaDOS may as well have poured icy water all over him, because the complete and utter shock of not having a voice to speak with froze him to the bone.

"What's the matter, moron?" GLaDOS crooned mockingly. "Cat got your tongue?"

In desperate frustration, Wheatley waved his arms about frantically, trying to convey that _he was bloody mute_!

"Oh? So the metaphorical cat has clawed out your vocals? Such a shame. That was sarcasm by the way."

Wheatley scowled at the camera that was in the corner of the room.

"Okay then. I'll be off. Kaitlin and Lucille will be down in half an hour. Try not to get concussion until then."

Wheatley tried to protest, but all that came out of his mouth was an empty rush of air that did nothing but hurt his throat. Now he was left alone in an empty white room that held nothing but the bed he was lying on and a mirror.

Carefully, he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His feet were bare, and he felt the cool tiles beneath them, the temperature feeling surprisingly soothing. But for some reason, one foot made a small _'click!'_ against the floor. Looking down, he saw that his right foot appeared to be made of some sort of white metal.

Wheatley's brow creased in confusion. Why did he have a metal foot? Was that normal for humans? Metal limbs?

He looked at his hands, and saw that they were mismatched as well. One was simple flesh, the other (the left) was metal like his foot, along with the rest of the lower arm. Robotic and complex, he was amazed at how smooth the movements were.

The mirror was right in front of him, so when he stopped gazing at his limbs, he looked up to see a young man with a mess of white-blonde hair atop his head and cobalt blue eyes, wearing a white, short-sleeved shirt and white trousers. One of the eyes was surrounded by an alabaster white metal, much like his hand and foot. The eye in question was a bright, piercing blue with a white pupil. His optic.

He was interrupted from his fascination when he heard voices approaching. A hidden door opened up, and in came two women wearing orange trousers, long-fall boots and short-sleeved shirts; one orange, the other white. Both wore metal tags attached to chains around their necks.

The one in orange had short, neatly cropped black hair that was streaked with gold, tanned skin and bright yellow eyes that were wide and inquisitive, but also calm and reserved at the same time. She had a small scar on the end of her nose.

Her companion; the one with the white shirt; had pure white hair and icy blue eyes. She was slim, pale, and had a long scar down the middle of her face that started between her eyebrows, down the left side of her nose, then veered off towards her jaw and tapered out.

"Hey," the girl in orange greeted. "You're Wheatley, right?"

Wheatley nodded.

"Well, I'm Kaitlin, this is Lucille. We're going to run some tests on you to make sure everything's in order. Okay?"

Another nod.

"Okay, so first, I'd like you to hold out your hands and perform the following actions…"

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><p>Wheatley performed the physical tests without protest. Mostly because he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Kaitlin and Lucille were firm with him, the former delivering each order with a strong, imperative voice. Lucille just stayed silent, carefully assisting him whenever he seemed to be struggling with the tests.<p>

Walking was a bloody nightmare. The moment he stood up onto his feet, Wheatley collapsed and somehow managed to smack his face onto the floor. Now his nose hurt. It took him eighteen attempts to stand up straight without falling, and once he finally managed to do that, he staggered about like a drunk when he tried walking, repeatedly stumbling and needing one of the girls to assist him. Eventually, he managed to walk the entire length of the room without one mishap.

When they reached the vocal exercises, Wheatley was more than frustrated that his voice _still wasn't functioning_. When the two women realised what was going on, they seemed to soften up a little; Lucille in particular.

"Umm…" Kaitlin began, unsure of how to continue. "Lu, I think you should take it from here. I'll go let GLaDOS know how everything went. Then I'm going to do a few tests."

Lucille nodded in consent, and when Kaitlin left, she took hold of Wheatley's arm and led him out. They both traversed through the maze of corridors, both completely silent save for the sounds of Lucille's boots against the floor, and Wheatley's feet kept making the uneven sequence of _'pat, click, pat, click!'_ as the flesh and metal foot both hurried to keep up. Eventually, they reached a small square room that was empty save for the sheets that covered the walls and a whiteboard on a stand in the corner with several pens attached to it with magnets on the ends. A strange, chemical smell pervaded the air around him, but Wheatley couldn't identify it. As a core, he'd possessed olfactory sensors, but they'd been very weak. Hardly worth taking note of.

That was something else he'd noticed as a human. Smells were so much more prominent, and it gave him a headache. Honestly, why did humans need to be able to smell everything? It was hardly as if it had any benefit for them. The whole concept us completely ridiculous.

Lucille took a pen from the board and handed it to Wheatley. Then she took one of her own and started writing on it.

_'__You alright?'_

Wheatley was just lazy and shook his head. He could use his hands just fine, but he had no idea how to use a pen.

_'__Elaborate,'_ Lucille wrote.

Great…

Wheatley's attempts to write resulted in a lot of smudged letters and some atrocious handwriting, but he managed to write the words 'terrified' and 'confused' on the board.

_'__You'll get used to it,'_ Lucille wrote. _'Hopefully.'_

That did very little to boost Wheatley's confidence, but he just realised something.

_'__You're mute?'_ he asked on the board, hoping the woman wouldn't take offense.

_'__Damaged vocal cords. Can't be fixed.'_

_'__Oh. Sorry.'_

_'__Don't worry. At least it'll help you out. You won't be the only one who can't talk the way the others do.'_

_'__How do you talk to people?'_

_'__Sign language.'_

Wheatley's reply was a big, scribbly question mark, and for some reason it made Lucille smile in amusement.

_'__You make words with your hands. Like this.'_

She put the pen down, and made a shape with her hands. Her left hand mad an 'L' shape, and traced it with the index finger of the other. Wheatley just quirked an eyebrow in confusion. He liked that expression. Very expressive. And he felt smart when he did it. No idea why.

_'__That was my name: Lucy. Normally you create a unique sign for your name. You want to try?'_

Wheatley nodded, and tried to come up with something. Eventually, he decided on making a 'W' shape by making 'L' shapes with both his hands and placing them together. Lucy smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

_'__Try this one,'_ she wrote. Then she made a curving 'C' shape with her thumb and fingers, placed them near her throat horizontally, and drew it away from her in an arc. After repeating it several times, she gestured for Wheatley to give it a shot, which he did without a hitch.

_'__What does that mean?'_ he asked on the board.

_'__Apple.'_

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><p>Wheatley wasn't sure how long he'd spent learning sign language from Lucy, but by the time she was satisfied, he'd had multiple phrases and words drummed into his brain. The whole lot was really confusing, and he wasn't sure how he'd be able to remember all of it. And apparently, that wasn't even the entirety of what he had to learn. Apparently, he had to learn about human routines, customs and needs as well!<p>

Well and truly befuddled beyond belief, Wheatley dumbly followed Lucy out of the room and – yet again – through the maze of corridors, and into another one filled with racks of clothing and long-fall boots of various sizes. Lucy pointed at one pair of boots that had been placed on a metal bench, and back at Wheatley. He tilted his head in confusion, but when the white-haired woman mimed putting on a pair of boots, he got the message. Clumsily, he pulled the boots onto his feet, and almost panicked when metal supports clamped onto his shins. He also learned that his robotic foot was attached to a robotic leg, meaning the entire limb was basically a fancy, mechanical doohickey.

Then he was led through more corridors and… oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

_Her_ chamber.

He turned to run back towards the door, but he found that hit was sealed off. Lucy hadn't followed him.

Wheatley was alone with _Her_.

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><p><strong>So yeah. Mute human cyborg Wheatley. You like it?<strong>

**Fun Fact: Lucille has a genetic condition called leucism, meaning the pigment in her body slowly decreases over time. As a result, her hair is now white, and her eyes are a pale blue. It is unknown as to whether or not it actually occurs in humans, but since this is a fictional story in which sentient robots and what is effectively teleportation (the portal guns) exist, I have chosen to make leucistic humans possible.**


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